You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
