i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
