guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
