I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
