Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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