We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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