no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
