you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
