i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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