Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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