It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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