There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
