I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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