He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
