I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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