His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
did you just send me my own nude
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
