Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i believe in u and ur pee
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
