I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
