There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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