How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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