problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
