need another drink. this is the easiest way
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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