How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
