I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Redeem this text for a blowjob
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
