If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
