It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
