1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
