I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
