I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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