You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
