Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
