Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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