He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
