Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
