Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
