Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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