I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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