chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
