i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
