You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
