life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
