it's not cheating when I paid for it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
