people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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