Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
