your thong is hanging out like whoa
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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