whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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