and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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