Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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