guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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