he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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