I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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