After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
