I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
